Ever since CPTC ended, life just seems to be going down hill. I try my best not to show it but somehow or other i cant hide from the truth for too long a time, can i? Well, i have gotten over most things and then new problems surface again. I see myself like a jet plane that got hit by incoming bullets, crash lands, dragged to safety, repaired and just when it is about to soar off into the horizon, it is hit by a missile. But of course, i am still alive.
Why is it that everything I do, I am not fast enough, not intelligent enough or not performing to people's standard? WHy? WHy? WHy? I just dont get it.
And my 'friend', Alvinn at my workplace, he keeps making fun of me, sometime i cant take it anymore n i will make fun of him back. I am not surprised if he keeps on pushing me beyond my limit that i will punch him in the face one day. I pray that doesnt happen though! Like today, I asked him how to do 2 separate stuff and he said use your brains. He was kidding alright but it isnt exactly nice to get that answer. I dont know..I dont know..my mind is all confused and i am feeling extremely pissed right now. My supervisor wants me to do a comparison between 2 plants, one of the paper is written in english and the other is written in Dutch!! And after staring at the 2 papers for like 2 hours, i still cannot find any difference. This is like the second worst day of my life.
My mind is like in a blur. I dont know who to trust to be my friend, i dont know what is the definition of a real friend anymore. Do i have any real friends?
I seem to have lost my little sense of humor n the little gift of the gab. =( I am now just too afraid to speak up, afraid to do this n that. Like a scaredy cat. Darn.
I am tired of people calling me childish n gay. What on earth is wrong with me? I am tired of saying that i want to improve my character. For every step i take, i take 2 steps backward. It sucks.
Maybe it is time for me to stop making my own decisions n let God lead me as before (TP yr 2 n earlier). So ya. Im tired. Very tired.
Bye